There are two things you should know first:
- I like peanut butter. A lot.
- Tonight, I was eating peanut butter on graham crackers. Jealous?
For Thanksgiving, my family and the Singers would go to state parks in Kentucky or Ohio (our respective states). I think we were at Lake Cumberland in 1992 (or I completely made up that part, but it totes serves the story) and it was Thanksgiving day. Yeah, time for the big meal. Catching crawdads and riding bikes and crying* were over.
So we were at the lodge and I ordered soup along with the buffet. (If you do the buffet, you get all-you-can-eat buiscuts, duh.) Everything was going great until the stupid waiter delivered my soup. My soup was served in a giant ceramic bowl that had a crack.
A crack? Really? Why wasn’t it leaking. This confused my 12-year-old pea brain. So, like any natural scientist, I decided to test the theory: There Is a Crack in My Bowl of Soup. But how‽** I decided to sip the bowl from the crack. That’s right. I turned the crack to my mouth and sucked.
Along with chicken broth, I slurped up a giant hair.
I didn’t ever draw much attention, but the entire table was watching this singular maneuver. From that moment on, I have skipped the soup portion of all-you-can-eat buffet Thanksgiving dinner.
Flash forward to 2010. I was sitting at home minding my own business and getting down on some damn good peanut butter and graham crackers when I noticed a spot on my hand that wasn’t part of my hand. Following instincts, I licked it.
It was soap. ← This is the point at which you realize you follow an admitted soap eater. Sorry.
The good news is that I like to wash my hands before I eat. The bad news is that I would eat a baby rattlesnake or a bike tire or even Spanish cuisine if it was on my plate/hand/eating radius.
Lesson: Look before you eat. And then don’t eat it!
* I used to cry every Thanksgiving. Let’s hold off on the judgement, there, champ. I had a lot of older siblings to give me hell. Also, I was a bit of an oversensitive pansy. Whatevs.
** ‽ is an interrobang. Use it more often. Be the hipster of grammar.